


Humor Diguised Inner Turmoil (Until His World Broke)

by artsyspikedhair



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Backstory, OT5 Friendship, Other, Panic Attacks, Racism, Statutory Rape, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 10:47:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7099747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zay used humor to cope with the stress of everyday life. He focused on his friends' lives so nobody would think too hard about him. But now he's in high school, and his English teacher... is someone he recognizes from long ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Humor Diguised Inner Turmoil (Until His World Broke)

**Author's Note:**

> this contains Girl Meets High School spoilers, and canon divergence. This is a Zay-centric fic, because I wanted to see him played for drama. Keep that in mind, and read the tags before starting this. Use your own discretion. Also if I have any factual or mechanical errors, let me know in the comments.

Riley was no longer content to just sit in a hole. Three days had passed, two of which were weekend days (why school would start on a Friday, the world may never know), and she understood what the seniors were trying to explain to them. So she texted Lucas, Zay, and Farkle, and said she had an apology to make, and asked if they could meet her at Topanga's. 

"You guys," she started, "I'm sorry. I say I'm always for my friends, but I didn't trust you because I was too busy trusting seniors. I was dumb and not following you was wrong, and I don't want this to wreck our friendship, even if it did wreck our first day."

Maya knew where this was going. So she stayed silent. Farkle said it was okay. Zay said first days were overrated anyway. Lucas said of course he accepted her apology. Maya and Riley both smiled. 

"That being said, I was right. The seniors put us in that hole because we live in our own little world," she noticed Lucas and Zay's glare as she amended, "or at least I do. The seniors thought we had too much confidence and had to learn life did not revolve around us. And that was a horrible lesson, and you were right to leave the stupid hole, but it was something I learned." 

Maya was the first to speak up. "I like living in your little world." Everyone around her could tell she meant it, and to Zay that seemed kind of gay. Farkle knew how gay Maya was, and made a facial expression at Zay, whose eyebrows were raised. 

"I don't have a lot of confidence." Zay added. "I feel like the seniors were trying to take away the bits of dignity I have, and I don't like that." 

Farkle felt offended. Zay was the epitome of confidence in his head, all smooth-talking and joke cracking. "You don't have a lot of confidence? You're like the biggest joker there is!" 

Zay felt ashamed. He hated this, when he finally dropped the weapon of humor and tried to be real, nobody would believe him. He said the one thing he knew would get Farkle to back off. "You wanna fight?" 

"See," Farkle said, "that's confidence!" But Lucas knew what was happening. Zay was lost in his world where everyone was out to get him. And Lucas knew why Zay was this way, and he didn't want Zay wrecking Zay and Farkle's friendship. So he intervened. 

"Zay, Farkle is not the enemy. He doesn't know any better." Lucas ignored Farkle's indignant cry and continued. He kept eye contact with Zay the entire time. "It's not your fault they don't understand. But it isn't their fault either. It wasn't your fault, Zay."

To everyone's surprise, Zay included, Zay was crying. He cracked out a simple "gotta go" and ran out of Topanga's. 

"What was that all about?" Maya asked. Lucas suddenly felt incredibly drained. But he decided to explain, so that hopefully none of them would invalidate Zay again. 

"Look, I don't have the right to share everything, but Zay had a hard time growing up. Something bad happened to him, and whenever he tried to express his feelings, people wouldn't listen. So he learned how to pretend to be confident early on. He learned how to be funny, because when you're funny people want you around. But he isn't really as confident as he appears. And if any of you ever try to tell him his feelings aren't valid," he glared at Farkle, who now felt intensely guilty, "I will mess you up so badly you will be unable to say anything ever again. And don't think I won't hit a girl," Lucas said that last part to Riley and Maya, who both felt a thrill of fear go down their chest as he said that. 

Farkle felt like a horrible friend. He had thrown Zay's coping mechanism back into his face as a sign nothing was wrong. He decided to ask Lucas. "Should... Should I apologize? I know I was way out of line." Lucas thought this over, seeing Zay's face in his head as he ran out of the room. 

"No," he decided. "Zay will probably want to forget tonight ever happened. Anyway, tomorrow's Monday and I haven't done my homework, so I should go do that. By the way, football tryouts were today. I might get on the team." 

"Congradulations!" All three said this at once. And with that, the magic of the night was lost. Soon all had left, and Topanga's was empty once more. 

  


Monday's were hard days for Zay. The first Monday of high school was harder than most, because he had no homework to distract him from the complete and utter embarrassment he had inflicted upon himself. He had freaked out, and now his friends might say something, or ask what Lucas had been talking about, or try to take him up on his offer to fight, or say some bullshit about how men don't cry. Zay had heard everything, and he didn't want to have to make new friends his first year of high school. He was done with caring about his stupid feelings and his stupid past. 

The day went by with surprisingly few repercussions before last period. Mr. Matthews class was on the meaning of history and how the past affects human nature. He spoke about about the shifts in cultural values throughout America as well as asking for examples of personal pasts changing people. It was an engaging discussion that taught the class much about history without focusing the class on Riley and Maya, and even Marley admitted it was good. Zay thought high school would have a better effect on Mr. Matthew's teaching skills than middle school did. The class made him think about his own past, and how it affected him. He didn't have many memories of his childhood, but he figured that fact in and of itself may have influenced who he had become.

Zay's math and science classes weren't with his friends, because he had gotten into Honors math and the lower science class. Zay's best class was English, but he didn't have that until last period. 

He hadn't had English class that Friday, so he did not know what to expect. He sat next to Lucas and Farkle, up in front because he wanted to get to see everything that happened. English class was his jam, his time to shine. He had heard that the class would be studying the Catcher in the Rye, and he was excited. 

The English teacher was late coming in, and students began whispering about how if she wasn't there in twenty minutes they could leave. Farkle was scandalized by their behavior, but, hey, that's high school. Zay was talking to Lucas when she walked in, his back towards the door. 

Lucas saw her and at first didn't recognize her. She had been his kindergarten teacher, so there was a ten year time lapse. But after about thirty seconds he did. It was too late. She was at the front of the room, waving her arms to get the class' attention. 

"Hello class, I'm Ms. Anderson." Zay thought it must be a coincidence, lots of people have that name, but fear knotted in his gut. He kept a stoic face. "I'm a new teacher at this school so I'm getting used to the school, like all of you. I came here from Texas." Zay was no longer stoic. Zay was terrified, Zay was seeing memories he had repressed long ago, Zay was running out of the classroom and not listening to Ms. Anderson ask him where he thought he was going, young man.

Zay could hear the last time she talked to him in his head, calling him "such a brave little boy, Isaiah, I know that hurt but it's better now, isn't it? Now don't go around telling people or you'll get into big big trouble." Zay was running, Zay wasn't breathing, why couldn't he breathe? He was hyperventilating, he could feel her in his body even though nothing was happening to him. He was going to die if he had to deal with her every day, he could tell that already. 

She was coming back to him, pieces at a time. Nobody listened because he never said anything about why he didn't like her. Nobody listened to the black boy who didn't want to go to school, his father just sent him anyway telling him that he needed to be educated to be anything in this world. The threats to his life were supposed to be the police and the racists, not the sweet kindergarten teacher who asked him to stay inside during recess. The excuses were building in his head, why nobody ever did anything, but it didn't make it right. 

He was in the pit but he didn't know how he had gotten there. He didn't know how much time had passed, but he couldn't talk. Somehow he was breathing normally again. He might have passed out, he couldn't tell. Lucas showed up soon. He looked like her to Zay for a moment, but then Zay realized it was Lucas. Lucas was trustworthy.

Somehow Zay gained his voice back. "Lukie, I can't go back, you can't make me, she's back, she's back, I cannot do this again Lucas I can't!"

"Shh, shh. Zay, I know. Zay, I think we should talk to Mr. Matthews about this." 

"Will... Is... Can... He's safe, right?" Zay had a hard time getting words out. He focused on Lucas' face. He was safe. Lucas would protect him. 

"Yes, Zay, he's safe, I promise you."

The two boys walked into Mr. Matthews' classroom. Luckily he had no class right then, because Zay had somehow without knowing it been crying. "What brings you two here? Shouldn't you be in class?" 

"I... I... I, I,I" Zay was panicking again, the memories were consuming him. He couldn't do this, he couldn't talk about this. Luckily, Lucas knew what to say. 

Mr. Matthews was focusing on Zay, telling him to try to breathe slower and that it was okay, he was safe. Mr. Matthews had dealt with panic attacks before, and Zay was slowly coming out of it. 

Once Zay was back in the present, Lucas spoke. "We need to switch English classes. The teacher is someone we know from Texas, and we don't want to be around her." 

Mr. Matthews said he could get them transferred. Zay suddenly got scared again, and spoke. "Not just us. Get Farkle and Riley and Maya out too." 

"Okay, I can get you all transferred, but first I want to know why. Did something happen?" 

Zay did not want to talk about something he had just been retraumatized about, so he lied. "She said some racist things. I don't want to talk about it." 

Mr. Matthews guessed there was more to the story than that, but began making transfers anyway. "Class is almost over, I'll email you and the others your new schedule, now get out." 

Lucas and Zay did as they were told. In the hallway, they were cornered by Riley, Maya, and Farkle, who were worried. 

"Hey Zay, are you okay? You just ran out of class and didn't come back, we were worried." Farkle spoke for the group, Riley and Maya both nodded and said "yeah" Maya added a comment about how if he had wanted to skip class there were sneaker ways. 

Lucas decided to help Zay out, because Zay was getting overwhelmed again. "Look, we weren't skipping class, guys." Then he looked at Zay, whose facial expression let Lucas know it was time to shut up. 

"Our English teacher used to be a kindergarten teacher in Texas, and she sucks and that is all I will say on the matter. So I got us all transferred out." 

"Oh okay, cool." Farkle took the answer at face value. Riley, much like her father, didn't and reminded Zay he could always come to them if he needed anything. Zay knew his friends weren't used to problems as large as his, but he believed her. 


End file.
